They are vital to accountability and recovery, so which ones should you be asking?
…It didn’t work.
There was a simple explanation. Our list was too long!
It allowed space for tangents and conversations that pulled away from the hard-hitting questions we truly needed. We weren’t making progress in our recovery, but using the other topics to subtly and subconsciously nudge away from true vulnerability. At least, I know I was! In How to do accountability well: Part 1 I wrote about our natural tendency to fade out and skimp on real accountability. This is what we were facing, because the idea of real honesty was frightening. We used our massive question list as an easy way out. For others it may be simply having no structure or clear expectation. There is an unlimited number of ways we can weasel out of sharing our shame.
We came to realize the need to ask and be asked the B I G Q U E S T I O N S, the ones that made our hearts quiver and lips fight for lock-down. They became anchors for true accountability and honest discussion. There were ‘The Big Three’, glaringly obvious and simple, but terrifying to put in to practice. Try implementing similar questions in your accountability:
1. Have you looked at porn?
2. Have you masturbated? (We used the euphemism ‘killing kittens’ for ease)
3. Why & How?
To break it down, this may look like:
3a. ‘What negative emotion or stress were you feeling this week/the day you used?’ and ‘What sexual temptations were beckoning?
3b. Explaining ‘How?’ includes noting what actually happened (minus gory details please!) and how you worked around accountability software or other boundaries. This question also applies to celebrating victory! If you resisted temptation, explore what you did to achieve that- and repeat!
Good self awareness takes time to develop, but will give you the control you need to break free and cut temptation off at the root. We certainly developed a grasp on what our triggers were. With this knowledge, we could be on our guard as soon as they popped up.
As obvious as it may sound, it is worth saying that you need questions. Accountability doesn’t come naturally, so when you first catch up with your partner, make sure you script out the questions you don’t want to answer; then, ensure they get asked and answered honestly every time. It’s worth it. And it gets easier with practice!